Mister Feathers
by TalkingMime
Summary: Rikku finds a chocobo in the Calm Lands an insists on keeping it...But what happens when Paine, who hasn't eaten all day, is left alone with the chocobo on an airship deviod of any food?


 Mister Feathers

TalkingMime09

Disclaimer: I don't own _Final Fantasy X-2_ in any way, shape, or form. But I own Mr. Feathers! =)

---

Clear cerulean skies watched over the island of Besaid on this particular day. The sun shone in its own shiny sun-shining way upon the sandy beaches as it lingered sunnily the cloudless skies.

Not a single puffy, white cloud was visible in the sky. Not a single spiky, blondish-yellow Cloud was visible in the sky either, nor was a single freaky-looking, silver-haired man with a 12-foot sword able to be found in the same Cloudless skies.

On this particular sunny, cloudless, and quite pleasant day on Besaid, Paine and Rikku were somewhere else entirely. More precisely, they were laboring in the Calm Lands' grassy fields under the same sunny cloudless skies.

Well, at least Paine was. Rikku was petting a chocobo and feeding it greens.

Sighing, the pale girl clad in black leather attire wiped off a bead of sweat from her forehead with the backside of her hand and stared at her project a moment longer. She had been sent out here with Rikku a few hours ago on what seemed like Mission Unfeasible… or Impossible, whatever.

Shaking her head, Paine threw the remaining of the pieces of the object that caused her so much trouble all morning off to the side. "Shinra?" she paged back to the genius at the Celsius, "This is impossible. Not even Leblanc's goons would be stupid enough spend so much time to bring this sad excuse of a CommSphere back together."

Not long later, Shinra's voice answered. "All you have to do it is fix the wiring."

"Why don't you do it then? Whatever attacked this thing must have eaten half of it," Paine shot back, her patience wearing thin.

A moment of silence. Then Shinra's well-known and altogether overused excuse, "I'm just a kid."

Paine was tempted to slap her forehead in frustration; if not that, at least be given the chance to whack Shinra upside the forehead.

"It shouldn't take a genius to figure it out, Paine," Shinra continued, "Get Rikku to help." Then a buzzing sound followed. Shinra had closed the connection.

_Speaking of which, where is Rikku?_ Paine wondered. The blonde girl had disappeared about an hour ago, and hadn't been seen since.

She sighed again. "I am _not_ in the mood for this."

Ever since Yuna left the Gullwings to spend time with Tidus on sunny and cloudless Besaid, everyone realized that the aforementioned sphere-hunting group was officially leaderless. That was, except for the self-appointed boss named Brother, which, to no one's surprise, received little if any support in his endeavors of proving himself to be a worthy leader.

So Paine and Rikku began completing their missions as a sort of a duo. But without someone in charge, and without Yuna to watch Rikku, the perky Al Bhed always found a reason to be running off. Paine had thought many times of quitting the Gullwings, but Rikku needed someone to look after her. Someone that didn't have half a brain, tattoos all over his body, and a Mohawk that he claimed was hair.

Giving up on the CommSphere, Paine was about to leave in search of missing blonde, but realized that she didn't know where to go. She didn't know where Rikku was, so she couldn't leave. Until she realized where Rikku had gone, she wouldn't know which way to go in order to leave to look for Rikku.

In a coherent sentence, that meant the first thing she had to do was find out where Rikku must have gone off to.

Thinking back, Paine vaguely recalled the perky Al Bhed to have said something about a homeless shelter earlier that morning.

_Wait, homeless shelter?_ Paine scratched her head in confusion. Why would Rikku mention a homeless shelter? Then she remembered. _Oh, right. She was talking about Brother._

She thought back to that morning again about what else Rikku might have mentioned. _Let's see… Tobli's concert… hmm… oh yeah, my dry cleaning; I have to go pick that up sometime… Barkeep's girlfriend… Doughnuts…?_

Paine blinked. Had Rikku gone off to buy a doughnut? Or maybe she had gone off in search of a doughnut. Perhaps a jelly doughnut…

_No, no, that can't be right. What did she say this morning that had to do with the Calm Lands? She said something about Buddy's pink underwear… Oh wait… I know! She went to ride a chocobo!_

Realizing her own conclusions, Paine mentally slapped her own forehead. "Why the hell does she always have to go chase some goddamn chocobo!?!?!!?!" Paine exclaimed so loudly that the words echoed across the fields, leaving many passing travelers at the opposite end of the vast Calm Lands to wonder exactly who always chased some goddamn chocobo.

A very exasperated Paine gathered her sword and went to find the Chocobo Lady.

"One day, I'm going to buy her a leash," Paine growled through gritted teeth. "One that I can tie to a pole or something."

---

A couple minutes had passed when Paine finally successfully located a woman wearing light purple. "Excuse me," Paine began, "Are you the Chocobo Lady?"

The woman in purple shook her head. "Heavens, no! I hate chocobos! The Chocobo Lady is my sister, over there." She pointed to a woman about ten feet off. "I'm the hotdog lady. Would you like a hotdog? Only ten gil apiece."

"What is this… hotdog?" Paine looked understandably confused. After all, there was no such thing as a hot dog in Spira.

"It is a piece of chocobo meat in between a bun of bread," the woman replied. "We stopped selling pork because so many customers were worried about their health." She shook her head sadly. "Then beef didn't sell because of that mad cow disease…"

"Pork…? Beef?" It could be assumed that there were no such things as pigs or cows in Spira either. How unfortunate.

"Why not. I'll try one." Paine dropped a few coins on the counter.

Smiling, the woman handed the warrior a hot dog. "Thanks for shopping at the Friendly Neighborhood Hotdog Stand, where the hot dogs are made out of real chocobos!"

Taking a bite into the hotdog, Paine was pleasantly surprised. "Not bad." She tossed down another ten gil. "I'll take one to go."

---

A few seconds later, a figure dressed in black leather approached to the woman ten feet away from the hotdog lady. She was dressed in light green.

"Are you the Chocobo Lady?" Paine asked, finishing the last of her hotdog.

The woman in light green sighed. "Well, I'm _supposed_ _to be_ the Chocobo Lady, but I don't appear in _Final Fantasy X-2_. I'm only _Final Fantasy X_ because the people back at Square kicked me out and put in that idiot Clasko in my place. Damn people don't know a good Chocobo Lady when they see one…"

"What?"

"Never mind. Yes, I'm the Chocobo Lady. Why do you ask?" the woman in light green muttered.

"Oh, did a bouncy, perky, happy-go-lucky, oh-my-gosh-I'm-always-on-caffine-24/7 blonde Al Bhed girl pass by an hour or so ago?"

"Why, yes. She asked to ride a chocobo," the Chocobo Lady stated matter-of-factly.

_Dammit._ Paine sighed. "Which way did she go?"

"Hmm, good question." The chocobo lady glanced north toward the exit of the Calm Lands. Shifting her gaze toward Mt. Gagazet, she stared intently, as if in deep thought. Then she turned towards the direction of her sister with a thoughtful expression on her face, perhaps trying to remember the bits on information that so stubbornly eluded her memory. Finally, she looked back at Paine and answered carefully, "I don't know."

Paine was about to explode with impatience. But with incredible knack for coming in just in time to save the poor Chocobo Lady from a very pissed off Paine, a chocobo dashed towards the two women, a blonde Al Bhed mounted on its back and another chocobo trailing behind it. Rikku was back… with two chocobos.

"I don't even _want _to know how she did that." Paine muttered decidedly to herself as she watched the two giant chickens come to a halt in front of her and the irksome Chocobo Lady.

"Hi Paine!" Rikku greeted in her always-cheerful manner. "Look, I found another chocobo when I was riding this one!"

"Oh, wonderful," Paine replied enthusiastically in a tone completely devoid of sarcasm.

"Can we keep him, Paine? Please!? Pretty please?"

The girl in black sighed. "No, Rikku."

"Awh, but, but- He's so cute!" Rikku begged. She looked at Paine her with large, sorrowful, pitiful, how-can-you-refuse-what-I'm-requesting-when-I'm-looking-at-you-like-this, puppy-dog eyes.

Paine grimaced. "Ok, fine!"

"Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, tha-"

"Shut up."

Smiling, Rikku quickly obliged.

Sighing for what must have been the 57th time that day, Paine motioned towards the exit. "Come on. Let's get back to the airship."

---

A week had gone by, and to Paine's surprise, Rikku had done an excellent job taking care of her new pet. In fact, she had already gave it a name—Mr. Feathers. Very cute… and very Rikku.

She fed the Mr. Feathers three meals a day, bathed him every once in a while, and generally kept him out of the rest of the Gullwings' way. The giant yellow chicken did tend to squawk noisily, being a chocobo as it was, but only in certain locations on certain occasions. More specifically, on certain occasions when everyone in Spira was asleep and in certain locations such as next to, if not on, Paine's bed. Mr. Feathers did seem to take an early liking to the very easily-irritable warrior of the party.

Despite the fact that she was being deprived of her daily sleep, Paine took having a chocobo on board quite well—as well as Paine could have taken something of this type of situation, in any case.

But this morning, Rikku had some bad news. Well, it wasn't bad news exactly; Rikku was actually very cheerful when she explained the situation to the friend. But Paine knew that from the second the Al Bhed girl mentioned it, it would be bad news.

And bad news it was, for Paine, that is.

"Pops said many Al Bhed want to rebuild Home, so they planned a meeting to discuss the issue, you know. It's in the Bikanel Dessert." Rikku began.

But that wasn't the bad news.

"Buddy, Shinra, me, and even Brother all promised Pops that we could go, so we can't go sphere hunting today. We have to sit in the hot sun. Pooey!"

But that wasn't the bad news.

"Sorry, Paine! I know you really, really, really wanted to start a mission today. But we have to go to this meeting, you know, or Pops will be really, really, really mad."

"I was trying to think of a way for you to sneak it, so you won't' be alone today, because that would really stink! But I couldn't think of one."

But that wasn't the bad news.

"But since everyone will be away at the stupid meeting, there's not going be anyone to watch Mr. Feathers. So could you do me an itsy-bitsy favor…?"

That was the bad news.

There was a moment of silence for this to sink in. Then Paine's eyes widened in realization. "No." Her voice was calm and cold. She glanced at Rikku's chocobo. There was no way she was going to end up babysitting that over-sized coo-coo bird for a day.

---

Ten minutes later, Paine found herself babysitting Rikku's over-sized chicken for the day. Obviously, that wasn't the most favorable to situations, but one could always make the best of a bad situation… "So, what am I supposed to do with you?"

The chocobo squawked in reply.

"Not much of a conversationalist, are you?"

Another squawk.

"Okay… Are you hungry or something?"

Yet another squawk. Perhaps things wouldn't get better.

"Hmm…" Paine led the chocobo into the kitchen of the airship. As she dug around the refrigerator for anything that resembled something green, or anything vaguely edible for teat matter, Mr. Feathers curiously pecked at everything in the kitchen. Finally, Paine pulled out a piece of broccoli and tossed it at the curious chicken, hitting it squarely on the head.

The giant bird happily munched on the vegetable as it continued to follow Paine around the kitchen. It was almost past noon by then; the chocobo had probably just been hungry. What was she supposed to eat though? She opened an empty cabinet.

"Brother must have eaten everything," Paine sighed. She looked in the fridge again. The only thing inside that looked anywhere near digestible was hypello food, definitely belonging to Barkeep, who had left for the meeting about rebuilding Home as well. Brother claimed that the blue monkey creature was indeed Al Bhed. But no one was willing to waste a precious ten minutes of their life to dispute the pointless matter with the tattooed man.

The girl cursed Brother silently under her breath as she continued to scan the kitchen for anything that would resemble lunch. Her eyes suddenly fell onto Mr. Feathers.

Paine's mouth watered as she fondly remembered the taste of chocobo hot dogs from a week before at their visit to the Calm Lands. Such juicy, tasty flavor, all contained in that chocobo meat…

_Wait, what am I thinking? I can't eat Rikku's pet_. Paine shook her head. _But, it tastes so good... especially with ketchup. And mustard…_

Paine caught herself again. She glanced at the oversized chicken. Cocking its head to one side, it stared back at her ever so innocently.

_Well, Rikku wouldn't mind if she lost her pet, would she? I mean, I guess we could always get her another chocobo. She's only had this one for a week._

As the last of her willpower was broken through, Paine dashed out of the kitchen, hoping it would shift her mind to something else other than the hunger lingering at the bottom of her stomach. She needed to think of something else besides food. Rikku and the rest of the Gullwings should be back in a couple of hours. She could last that long, couldn't she?

Grimacing, Paine silently wished that she hadn't skipped breakfast.

---

Another few hours hour crawled by. "What's taking them so long?" Paine wondered out loud.

The sphere hunter had brought Mr. Feathers outside the airship to get some fresh air. However, the massive transportation device had been landed in the Bikanel Desert, where the Al Bhed meeting was taking place. Despite the irregularly high temperature, Paine supposed the chocobo could run around freely and enjoy itself. Meanwhile, it would keep her mind off of food.

But within that one short hour, the chocobo had managed to get into a considerable amount of trouble.

What kind of trouble? Well…

Paine had been idly watching the sand blow past in the insanely blistering heat of the Bikanel when she heard a squawk. And a loud and unusual squawk it was. She hadn't heard anything that resembled such a sound since the Gullwings had confronted the chocobo eater, to whom Paine had ever so kindly introduced a friendly can of whoop-ass. The victimized chocobo who had barely escaped being devoured by a three-tongued, butt-ugly giant-chicken eater and looked so helpless in its grip had made the exact same sound that she heard now.

It took Paine a couple of moments to realize that the squawking had probably been the result of a chocobo in distress.

It took Paine another couple of moments to realize that the chocobo in danger was probably Mr. Feathers that had gone frolicking off in the desert not too long ago.

Paine smacked her forehead, not believing her own stupidity. "Must be the lack of food," she cursed as she ran off to save Rikku's giant chicken.

The chocobo had indeed been in distress, as a pack of killer hounds had been chasing the giant chicken in circles all over the desert. Paine, realizing she had to stop this, frantically ran after the hounds, sword held high above her head, screaming war cries. But quickly understanding that this wasn't the wisest battle technique, nor the most elegant, the warrior stopped running and grabbed her gun mage dress sphere. Several gunshots later, the fiends hit the ground in rapid succession.

Sighing with relief, Paine quickly scanned the nearby areas for the runaway chicken. It was nowhere in sight. Then, the squawking sound of an upset chocobo came again, but this time, strangely different. The call for help, for some reason, sounded… muffled. Paine made her way over the top of a sand dune.

What she saw on the other side cleared any previous confusion—a satisfied-looking sandworm with a closed mouth, trying to digest the object that it had swallowed. She groaned, understandably frustrated.

"I hate working on an empty stomach…"

---

After the whole sandworm ordeal, Paine had dragged Mr. Feathers covered in sandworm spit and drool back to the Celsius. Actually, she was not in much better condition. Even after the slain sandworm had fallen to the ground, it stubbornly would not open it mouth to release the unfortunate chocobo stuck inside. Finally, Paine had pried the fiend's mouth open with her warrior sword.

When the worm finally gave in, the mouth successful opened to reveal a terrified chocobo, along with a few gallons of spit that shot out at anything within 20 feet, including the unfortunate sphere hunter.

This, of course, led to an emergency retreat to the Celsius where Paine cleaned herself up. By then it was very early evening, and Paine felt it was an appropriate that she gave the sandworm spit-covered chocobo a bath.

Not long after Paine had finished, the crew of Al Bhed returned to the Celsius.

"I told you that you made a wrong turn, but noooooo, you wouldn't listen!" Rikku was saying in her native tongue. Obviously, they had gotten lost. Probably thanks to Brother's brilliant navigation skills.

"Shut up." Brother growled back at Rikku in Al Bhed.

"Sorry for coming back so late; we got lost," Rikku muttered her apology toward Paine.

"So I gathered," Paine replied. "So what's for dinner? I'm starving."

"Yeah! Me, too!" Rikku agreed. "Let's see what's in the kitchen."

Paine scowled, knowing there was absolutely nothing in there that was edible, but rather than telling the Al Bhed girl directly, the warrior decided to let her figure it out herself.

"So how was Mr. Feathers?" Rikku asked. "Did he give you a hard time?"

Shrugging, Paine replied uninterestedly, "He was all right… Hey, by the way, Rikku, have you ever tasted a chocobo hot dog?"

The blonde Al Bhed stared back at the older girl in horror.

"No really, it tastes just like chicken."

Fin.

---

Comments? Questions? Mr. Feathers fan letters? Put them in a review!


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